O Magnum Mysterium

I've heard many women say that the day their child was born best of life, but it worst mine. After laboring for nearly forty hours, my body cut open and son pried from flesh. Earlier in day, his heartbeat had slowed to a dangerous rate while I pushing, still shook with epinephrine burned through veins recognition how fragile we both were, thin curtain between life death.His rebounded emergency medication, after four more hours an impatient doctor informed me done needed C-section. She left writhing on stretcher, unmedicated, hour she performed scheduled C-section mother who priority over me. felt as though were punishing failing give birth. Once finally brought into sterile operating room, vomiting anesthesiologist tried numb pain, panic attack sedated came earthside. When he placed arms curtained recovery room where could hear another baby crying other side cloth, mind already free fall.The weeks followed heralded failure failure—my breasts refused produce milk, visibly watched son's shrink until lactation consultant gently firmly told consider formula medicine survival. Then, at only five old, developed respiratory infection landed him hospital days. laid plastic-covered sofa bed, watching oxygen monitor eyes blurred fell restless sleep. His first smile nasal cannula taped face. My postpartum follow-up appointment happened during stay, chipper doctor, one hadn't seen pregnancy, said, “Everything's fine! Your illness isn't serious!” sent off smile, ignoring clear signs mental health deteriorating.Once home, walked halls recovering son, afraid I'd lose if let out sight convinced every terrible thing fault—my fault pushed hard enough birth “normal” way, produced breastmilk antibodies against virus put hospital, so exhausted anxious cried soothed when husband home sleep chest. stared wooden knife block our kitchen wondered what would be like pull blade down wrist. Would feel same sighing release pressure picked arms, habit started ten-year-old never been able quit? head empty all demons, digging tooth claw brain letting drift quietly oblivion?I called doctor. In those early begged God heal me, sought relief, wave struggle. That month, couldn't see even glimmer light—I groping dark sea, gasping air waves battering body. don't know why that, own prolonged night soul—why took long before love understanding begin lift me.I've read again again, scripture general conference talks, Jesus not enact Resurrection truly understand us, broken, imperfect, mortal siblings. blessing, days entered gave bleary, loopy testimony, saying inkling must us because heart ripped two fussy due gas. (My father-in-law smirked “Are you has gas?”) The thought experiencing minor pain gutting.I knew Savior pains world Gethsemane, there difference things experienced behalf mortality rush world-heaviness crucifixion. Surely newborn, shocked by transition warmth darkness open, blaring light. Did lie sick bed toddler, struggling breath? ever slip below reason, struggles chemical animal dragging spirit away joy?If ask believe sins, will yes without hesitation. can stand front ward cry microphone knows I'm feeling, just testified blessed, believed there. heavy, infinite garden, have learned woman's experiences, lived male one. That's part magnum mysterium, mystery godhood enveloped mortality. finite can't make pieces fit, trusts faith cultivated throughout life.And yet, find myself questioning. Could warring hormones woman forget is? Can possibly fear holding your womb knowing whether or impossible stretching tearing secret parts, deliver it? Does comprehend monthly dive darkness, relieved blood spilling inside you?I does. Atonement. But limitation, wish havoc wreaked picking skin fifth grade. Small, pustulant bumps reddened once smooth soft, evening, sitting outside faded patio furniture, began dig them. nails short blunt, meant keep clicking piano keys practiced, dug viciously, tiny puff relief hitting whenever bead appeared. Sometimes fingers seek little bumps, camouflaged now among hundreds freckles dozens scars.My parents caught sobbing shower year appeared budded. Dripping tears mingling spray turned heaving sobs, mom hammered door, alarmed. Later, dad sat next mission Australia, overwhelmed stress thousands miles anyone knew. unmoved, disbelieving capable falling apart, up preteen cocoon selfishness, unable care about past problems mine clouding vision.I didn't describe experiencing, present, malignant, myself. class regularly, feeling friendless worrying teacher parents, exasperated outbursts, they threatened take therapy jagged voices. always good girl being some adult principal's office, deeper serious than any school administrator. Now parent, think worried unstable child, sure help trembled broke. At time, mad flaws, happy everything privileged good.When search memories better, answer. friend whom close to, also hung “cool girls” wanted nothing do public outbursts. depression despite unshakable poison fog settled dust mouth, smearing touched said. Ever since year, times stable health, malignant cloud hovered periphery, threatening wilt flowers grew its absence.Looking back crests troughs depression, electrical charge driving storm. From rumblings puberty ravages punctuated mini-descent hell hate everyone am is mutual, fight woven femininity. Is this Eve, “In sorrow thou shalt bring forth children”?1 Am cursed carry extra, tasted fruit necessary plan salvation? As teen, strained fine print scriptures, looking comfort. midst bout well-known shadowy beast, phrases mind, twelve fourteen, underlining rainbow highlighter—“Weeping may endure night, joy cometh morning.”2 “I filled comfort.”3 leave comfortless.”4 resonated Paul's desperate plea “thorn [his] flesh”5 removed drive car, although striving comforted Lord's response: “My grace sufficient thee: strength made perfect weakness.”6 “glory infirmities,”7 verbalize Atonement was, support, printed whisper-thin pages scriptures. trusted implicitly, childlike need him.Sometimes look now, thirties, gone backward, sort spiritual Benjamin Button skepticism questions grow. balm Gilead thorn pricking skin, years by, wound deepened festered. people speak miraculous healing, cynical inner voice reminds “But you. You're supposed learning something, clearly you're yet.”My thrills scripture, “He upon infirmities, bowels mercy, according flesh, flesh succor infirmities,”8 it. chosen hypothetical passage, woes plane, statement feels repellently false. A mercy senses, albeit accelerated magnified godly power. And doesn't uterus war dance estrogen progesterone surging cells.But asking, pushing bruise: Do me? too? Are anguish side?My hears answer overly analytical cannot: yes. Somehow, Skeptics tell it's intellectual laziness accept broad-stroke ignores details needling God's ways are ways, yet knowledge things. man, holy Son Man, viscerally wrought, embrace mystery.